walkthrough(hell)

Christmas Day / Homesick (Cough Syrup Chaser)

I gave up caring on Christmas day
I gave up caring
Oh, Christmas day
You know its bitterness
When you walk in the pouring rain
Dreaming of her kiss
And you can’t get a tear out of your sunken eyes
I gave up caring on Christmas day
I gave up caring on Christmas day
I gave up on Christmas day

Oh, New Year, are you on the way?
I was a bit skeptical
But here, I cannot stay
Oh, New Year
Dare I say
I’m ready

I gave up on this year long before Christmas day
Just awoke from a dream where everything was ok
But everything is back the same

and I need more medication
I need more motivation
But maybe this is just what I need
For some artistic inspiration
While they plot my demise
So I will hide for days
And it will feel like months
Dying from this virus
I’Am glad you tried it
You seemed to enjoy it
So hope is the dream
You set free
You let it go
And it never came back to you or me
So we packed our bags
And we ran away
We gave up our hearts
Found we had nothing left to say
So I came home
I was homesick
But I am homeless
So aimless, hopeless
Now I am lovesick
And you soon shall be over this
I need more self medication
I need more time for meditation
I need the energy to survive in this life
I don’t want to get stuck in thit temporary job
I don’t want to die
So give me my pills
Give me the powders and the drill
I will set my flesh on fire
My soul the propane tank
It’s running quite low…
It really sucks to be this low
So here’s t o the New Year
I gave up my shortsighted dreams
Or they were ripped away
Either way
It’s time to go for the goal
So where do you want to be?
Is this really your home?
That tear finally came
And that’s all there was to say

the bastard demon child lies, lies awake

HOLD BACK

He took the task at hand
Did not care to try and understand
Who needs to think things through
When someone else can think for you?
So he drives all night long
And for what?
For what?
Obligations get the best of you
Set your soul on fire
Without a single word
Go on open the window
There’s no argument he hasn’t heard
So tired of trying
So why should he hide it?
This is who he is
He’s seen the dark side
He’s taken the trip
He’s stayed up hours on end
And for what?
For what?
Addictions get the best of us
Because this is who we are
And we have to function everyday
Like the normal population
Not everyone is perfect
Every family’s got a secret
So dig the backyard up
He don’t wanna lie
And neither do I, no
These scars are to tiring to hide
These marks of ink have deep roots
And I don’t know about you
But I feel no shame for who I am
I have no guilt
I am just frustrated
When there’s an unspoken tension
When I come in to the kitchen
Oh, hold back
Come on, hold back
I’m left longing for the comfort of home

Some Sort of Reprise

Is he so bad?
What a nice young lad
He’s sitting down
Standing around
Skipping town
And whats that?
Whats in his hand?
Oh, I’ll be damned
I don’t understand
How could such a nice boy be so misguided?

Tired Eyes

If I had my way
I’d be home with you today
I’d hold you in my weak arms
And kiss you on the cheek
Ask you to be my baby
But, hey, baby
I’m not sure how to
What kind of reaction I’ll get out of you
Sometimes I need more
Than I deserve
And sometimes I make it to the door
Right after the locks are turned
And the lights go out
And I am left out
In the pouring rain
Silently repeating your name
To keep me warm
I miss you
I miss you
I don’t know what to say
I miss you
I miss you
I don’t know if you feel anywhere near the same
Can’t blame you if you think I am insane
I run around destroying myself everyday
Because I don’t know how to say
I don’t know how to say how I feel
Some kinda crazy over you

Un-TITLEd

He is fleeting
With his radio head
He ain’t listening
He is sunk inside his bed
Buried under covers
Drowning in sweat
It’s this time he says
You’re his best bet
So run and hide
And lie awake
And die inside
Every night
You try to say
But your too flustered
And no one cares anyway
So smoke your lungs apart
The will dissapate
Just like your heart
A photograph
It’s all thats left of you
A photograph
Burning in a gravel parking lot
In the backwoods of
YOUR HOME STATE

At The Speed of Smoke

Walking up a hill
In the pouring rain
Where is the snow?
Ready to go
With my friends
I have a family
Unlike yours
And where they take me
I can never be
I am looked down upon
By who
I don’t know
Maybe God is in the clouds
Staring down
But the dark street is so cold
When you are wet to the bone
I want to be at home
I want to ask you
What are your plans
For the new year
Cause this year was a long one
It was the worst of times
IT was the best of times
And I don’t know if I am ready for a new year quite yet
So where you gon’ be
At 11:59 New Years Eve?
I want to hold you in my arms
And when the clock hits twelve
I want to start this year right
With a kiss from you
But I still don’t know how to tell you

Direction (New Year)

Wandering around
Wondering
Aloud
A lie escapes these lips
With no intent
And he said
He said
Too much
Too soon
So there he goes
Outside
For another walk
Ready to drive
Ready to drive back home
To be alone
God bless the family
But he needs to be alone
Just him and his bones
So he walks on and on
Singing every stupid melody
To every stupid song
So much for a promising new year
Someone shattered the facade
Before it had a chance to begin
He can’t let go
And he can’t pretend
One month
So many times
Just one
He is just the same
Without medication
Without motivation
He is running the border line
Two stories high
He is a vacuous display
Of his discontent for our sharades
He say’s he is fine
You have no right to say
Say what you will
I’ll shut my mouth
Shake it away
He will lie awake
In want and dream
He is in love
With the theory of love
So he dies every night
And he dares to write
His fears and hopes
Dreams and mopes
For the world to ignore
So here comes the new year
While some will be out with reason to cheer
He’ll commit treason and curse the new year
Drunk on cheap wine
Cheaper beer
He will give up his prayers
Throwout another dream
Not all good men get what they deserve
And I will never be free
Because the devil and god are raging inside of me

Unspokenly Required Holiday Post

Yule Die, Yule Survive
I am dying
From the lack of sleep
But I am trying
To set myself apart
From myself
Let you all believe
I am what you want me to be
So happy holidays
Take life with a grain of salt
I’ll be the pepper spray
In your eyes
So here we go
Who’s ready to die?
We do this all the time
Where I come from
I don’t know
Where I belong
I can choose
To let it go
And I can choose
To let myself doze
Miss this day
Forget
Just like any day
This may just be any day
So here is your song
I’m a broken bird
And I can’t sing
I would fly home to you
If only I had unbroken wings
The pain is settling
The adrenaline is pumping
These tired eyess
They won’t go away
So why should I pressure them
These wanting eyes
Will not be satisfied
Until the happieness is inside
Until then I will die
How could I miscalculate?
If I could chosoe
This ship would stop sinking
Land fast approaching
The storm has come and gone
We are the wake
I don’t know who I am
Wake up sober in a foreign land
Blood on my hands
Where do we go?
Where do we go from here?
Hold on to who you love
With broken wings
I will drive all night long
To get back to my state
And as I cross the line
I will pull out the stops
All I want for Christmas
Is to say I love you
But I’m not sure
I know how to
Take me
Broken bird
Spread your wings
Nest with me
Oh love
Oh love
Wish I could say…
You can find me
With the other birds
On the freeway
Driving towards a dream
I don’t want to die
Alright?
Just want to be in your arms
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight I will dream of you

 I Have Not But An Oz. Of Creativity Left Within Me

A birthday
A new year
Aren’t you happy to be here?
He lights another joint
Puts on old clothes
And he’s out the door
Don’t know where to go
eat my breathe
burn, wax and wane
A birthday
I have smoked away my pride
I have smoked away my pride
I have smoked away my pride
Crawl out of here
Lost time
It’s all gone away
He flicks
And lights
But the spark ain’t comin’
And she ain’t comin’ back
The same old songs
The same old movies
The same old hopes
The same old dreams
But we still hold on
I have smoked away my pride
I have smoked away my pride
I have smoked away my pride
The life we lived just up and died
Eat my breathe, wane and wax
The sparks aren’t coming back
It is a birthday
It is a new year
I’m not sure what I’m doin’ here

inter-ests

111111

22222

33333

44444 

hooray

our saving grace

sweat

can you feel it

perspiration

sickness

coughcoughcough

i breathe in smoke

im ok

i drink away

the morning

tired

need to sleep

so i can wake

and hopefully

be

ok

pepsi can as an instrument of death

What a sight
A frightened display
When I meet I
I learn with my eyes
I am my father!

A Long Day At Work, Such A Buzz Kill, Ugh!
Confusion
Hope
Dreaming
Living
Loving
I am so lost
As always
No one is suprised
When I get happy
Or
Will I go crazy
FRUSTRATION
Confusion
Love
Dissillusionment
I am lost as always
Dream
Dream for me
Breathe
Breathe for me
Speak
Speak to me
For me
For me
Let me see
Whats going on
Inside your head
Are you as confused as I?

listenimfinenowlistenimfine

Blind

Time changes so many things
And so we must too change
The walls that “love” built
Were only paper mache
Built for display
Such a grand facadeSo the days go by
And she slit her wrists
When she heard he was doing fine
And he went on lying
Telling everyone he’s fine
But life sucks so bad sometimes
Please stay tonight
Your chance to save a life
So tired and cold
Desperately alone
Lying in wait
For what you may
What you may

Scream, Silent / Robot

That robot is out today
Play
Think’s he’s a player
The motions go by
Motion sickness
To all who witness
Destroy the A.I.
We need to take back
What is ours
They will have us die
So play
You’re a soldier
Destroy
Your mothers crying
Trying to hold back
Shouting her regrets
So die, little player
This battlefield has no survivors

No Game

This is
No game
My friend
battle on
‘Till the
End, end.
We will
Fight! Fight!
Out of
Fright! Fright!
We need
A home
We need
Some time
Alone, alone.
This is
No game
Players just
Get burned
So burn
Die alone
Afraid of
What you’ve
Done, what?
What have
You done?

can’t win

these are not my words. i only arranged them. they are the thoughts of many a hopeless romantic

common thoughts

this moment
frightened
the future
damn
confused
concern
what should I do with myself
fear i may go nowhere
my mind
stuck in chaos
reality
between nothing
simplistic memories
corruption
great hope
your everything i want
your everything i need
your everything
where will you lead me?
will you love me always?
faith has struck me down
left me with
disappointing thoughts
left lying here alone
buried aliv
walking towards a dream
and a fear
should i choose the dream?
it may lead me somewhere better
a new beginning
the fear
something i may need
to be a better person.
there is no ending to thoughts
nor memories
but there’s only one path
you are afraid of trying
deal with whatever comes
make it through this life of yours.

it happened too fast to make sense of it… make it last…

Arrested (Broken)

Everybody’s family
Is dysfunctional
Everyobody is
Struggling to be
Anything
Everybodyis an addict
We feed the demons fire
Shovel after chovel
Of dark coal hearts
We lie awake at night
Trying to drown out all the light
In the complete darkness
We will hide
Hide in fright
Of our demons as they fight
I would
Kill every addiction
If they were solid beings
But my soul is clutching tight
To my insides
This is fight or flight
I make my way down
The same street
Past the same faces
Every day
If I could escape
I would
But the days bleed together
And now I can’t remember
The last time I shook that bottle
Letting the pill pop inti my hand
I’m stuck looking for a way out
Because I always want to
You know you want to
Run
Away
And as the time takes it’s pace
The messages come with less haste
Some mere hours pass
And I feel erased
But I still have to wake up
Look in this face
And I shout!
I shout into the mirror,
You’re a fucking disgrace
Can’t you do anything right?
So let me go
Hide in the dark
Wrapped in sheets
Bleeding heart
My soul left a note
In the back of my mind
Hard to find
Said he’d had enough
Let the demons move in
So now I breathe smoke
And I can’t get enough
‘Cause it’s too hard to cope
No ones listening
Seem’s there’s no hope
So drop me a line
I’ll be waiting for some time
I have othing better to do
When I spend so much time
Dreaming and thinking of you
I am a liar and a jerk
I am a sinner and I hurt
I have made all the mistakes
I have been a living waste
But there is one thing I know
You make me feel alive
So please don’t hide
Come back inside
It’s cold out there
And it’s cold in here
My hear is frozen
Will you come warm it?
All I need is to see your smile

Firing Squad

Denial! Denial!
Deny thy self
Freedom isn’t comfortable
Happiness isn’t free
So save save save
Spend that drug money
We are all addicts
We are far from free
So sing sing sing
Beg for simplicity
I pray I am not your prey
Don’t destroy me today
I love to much
And it comes to easily
Please please please
Don’t abuse me
For I am far from ok

 

… sothere I go again, finding happiness, sabatoging myself, and now here I lay awake, too sad to cry.

 

Lost Taste
So the story goes
The young man lives on
And through many conversations
He begins to realize
There many never be one
For love is a lie
And we are decieved
This world we’ve made
Is more destructive
Than make believe
So they want us to believe
But we battle over it all
Oh, all we want is to wake up
But we awake tired
And everyday we sluff along
Oh, I want to drive
All night long
Until I cross that bridge
When I am too far gone
And if your soul wasn’t with me
I’d drive off the cliffs
So far down
It will be some sick kind of glorious way out
You want to be the better man
But it’s so hard
When every day your dying
And we’re still lying
And your still dying
I’m still dying
I’ll be dying forever

 

Aesthetics Ruled By Life (Nostalgic Loathing)

I love my friends
And I love my job
I love my family
But I’m in debt to a mob
A mob of shady folk
I met in the ally
Whilst having a smoke
They’re faces shown black
That night I wen’t somewhere dark
And never came back
There’s a wrestling match
Going down in my stomache
The bets are running high
But this shit’s rigged
The real devilish thing
You really must see
Is what they have done
To the inside of my brain
My soul ran away
And my heart it did break
Fixed it so many times
But this time I decided to wait
It’s cold in here
A dark dark room
Where I lie awake
And I lie for.. who?
Drop me a line
With a hook
Won’t you be my bait?
I am uncaught
So lost and alone
Why wait?
I need some saving
Don’t need this self hate
The demons are eating me away
So just watch me move on
This story will end
In a destruction of fate

untitled

I called a familiar voice
To say, hey
I’m still lost
In my own void
I create
My own disease
I sat in my car
Yet again
This time for a new reason
I forgot where the weekend
Ends
I want to light
Set apart
For I am the liar
I will dream
And wake alone
Again
Tomorrow
So where you go?
Oh I don’t know
What to say
How to look
But I’ve been told
I am too paraoid
I worry too much
But I think your all wrong
Everyone
The deja vu keeps on coming
Feel like I had fair warning
And that voice was suprised
Didn’t make me feel much better
Calmed like a lion
I just don’t want to repreat
I’ve seen this movie so many t imes
Don’t want to see the same ending
So what happened in the beginning?
Is this the end?
Am I only good for a friend?

its hard to be the better man when you forget you’re trying

Saw A Devil In The Rye

The map in my head
Gets better and better
Every day
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Now, what did you say?
I said
I said the voice in my heart
Is shouting louder
Every day
Thats what I say
Hey! Hey! HeY!
Listen…
What’d I say?
You said
Said
You thought you’d lost your mind
Today
But you said the same thing
Yesterday
You’re losing faith
In yourself
Every day
Say, hey!
What do you want me to say?
I’m so fucked
I keep fucking things up
I’m just a dreamer
Headed down a dead end
Won’t you be my bait?
Oh, sasve me
I ask too much
Without saying anything
Every day
Every day I long for more
So, so, so
So sucked in
By how you make me feel
Feel like never before
Thats what I say
Hey…
So please stay awhile
I am my own worst enemy
But you could still love me

Field

In this dark view of the world
Creeping in the back of my mind
I’m a shady fellow
In black and white ink
From some unknown comic book
The streetlight shines yellow
Color in my black and white field
And she is there
Warming up my heart
With a smile and that look
That look in her eyes
So we walk along
Singing our songs
And holding on all night long
Dreaming and living
Trying to get by
Deal with the stress
Some way to kill some time
As the colors completely engulf
We wake in the night to see
That once again the colors have left me
Oh why do I have to be that guy
I wish to live on
But with the swiftness of the wind
I am swept away

…I almost cried. I really felt I should’ve. It made me realize how much this relationship means to me. Everythings happened so fast… but, she makes me feel like I haven’t felt in a real long time. I feel butterflies.

Can you hear his heart beat?